Runcible Blog

Ever notice a scene like this in a movie?

Cut to Joe and Suzy walking in a park.

Joe: There's something I haven't told you. I've been keeping a terrible secret....

Cut to next scene where Joe and Suzy are in Suzy's apartment.

Joe: I'm really a woman. or The world is going to end in 3 hours.

I don't know if you can follow me here, but why do characters always break off in the middle of the sentence or thought and then pick up the sentence when they get to a new location? Is the audience supposed to believe that the two characters didn't speak a word in the meantime between walking in the park and arriving at the apartment? Come on now; it doesn't make any sense.

And what about when two characters are talking, and they just abruptly stop and walk away? Like so:

Doctor walks in...

Doctor: I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do. Your son is dead.

Family: *gasp* *sob*

Brief pause, then doctor walks away.

Give me a break! That would never happen in real life. People don't just walk away like that. I realize that the director or whomever has to find a way to get the information across without dwelling on all the extra characters, but the world doesn't work that way. However, if the doctor consoles the family instead of walking away, the story now shifts to the doctor's kindness, yadda yadda.

I know what I'll do. I'll make a movie where every sentence takes place in a new location, even in mid-conversation. And I'll have hundreds of extras who pop in, say a few lines of important dialog ("You're fired", "I'm pregnant", "The moon just exploded") and casually walk away. Or the camera would just pan away from them...because they're not important. And they'd all be carrying clipboards. Yeah.

Also, all my characters will be crying glycerine tears -- but only one solitary tear drop at a time. (Come on, those are so fake.)

Oh, and every character will fall in love with every other character after only seeing them walk through the door in slow motion, while the sound drops out and we see hair flowing or the slow pan from high-heels up. My movie will have hundreds of these slow-motion camera pans.

To appeal to guys, my movie will have some action too. There will be a terrorist plot of some sort. It doesn't matter who the terrorists are, as long as they have foreign accents. And I'll have some really weak back story about their motives: the terrorists are hijacking a plane in order to demand the release of some general. Actually, it doesn't even matter what their motives are. I won't even explain the motives in my movie. I'll just go on the premise that terrorists are pure evil and enjoy hijacking planes because they are evil. There are no rational reasons.

The action hero will be at least 50 years old -- maybe Tommy Lee Jones, Harrison Ford, or Jack Lemon. He'll be the only cop on the plane, and today is his last day as a cop before retiring. Oh, and for good measure and comic relief, I'll throw in Rosie Perez as the loud, quick-thinking, Puerto Rican flight attendant who helps our hero save the day. And, in the middle of saving the day, I'll have the ubiquitous love scene of Jack Lemon and his girlfriend, Cindy Crawford, crammed in the tiny airplane restroom -- accompanied by cheesy guitars and a saxophone while a slow-spinning ceiling fan casts shadows in the subdued lighting....

Finally, our hero saves the day. He'll blow the doors off the 747 and engage in a chaotic struggle with the foreign terrorist (who is, by the way, eviiiillllll). In a quick-thinking move, Rosie Perez will throw a fire extinguisher into the terrorist's mouth. Close-up on Jack Lemon shooting it with a flare gun (there's only one flare left) while saying "Suck on THIS!" The camera follows the flare in slow motion as it leaves the barrel, flies through the air and detonates the fire extinguisher in Abdul Kazinsky Santiago's (the generic evilllll terrorist) mouth. His head blows off, showering the passengers with blood, and his body is ejected out of the airplane.

All is safe. Jack Lemon plants a kiss on Cindy Crawford and says "Let's land this plane, baby."....
But not so fast!!! Just when you thought the movie was over, Abdul Kazinsky Santiago crawls up from the wing of the plane and grabs Cindy! Even though he has no head, he holds a piece of glass to her throat and threatens to "Coot Heer Heed Oof!!" What will our hero do?!

Just then, Haley Joel Osmet and McCauly Caulkin team up as teen ninjas! They smash the terrorist on the head (which grew back because he's an alien terrorist) with frying pans and paint cans then karate kick him out the door! High five for the ninja dudes!

Cut to scenes of Ewoks cheering as the plane lands and fireworks light up the sky.

But then, the camera pans down to the the ocean where the evil, foreign terrorist landed. The camera submerges -- we see the dark ocean floor and Abdul Kazinsky Santiago's disfigured body. The camera fades out. What does it all mean? Did he survive? Will there be a sequel? Why are you showing me his dead body?

roll credits to Linkin Park and Dave Matthews music.

Fin.