Runcible Blog

Pressure pushing down on me / Pressing down on you

Even though I might focus on the lows here, this weekend wasn't bad overall. It's just that there's something still hanging onto my mind. I smell a small rant coming...

There are times when I feel that everything I say or do is being put into a "self-awareness" filter. If I have a momentary lapse of awareness, bells go off, and all of a sudden it's, "Aha! I knew it! Maybe you're not with it after all..." It's almost like I'm expected to fail eventually...like she's looking for an chink in my armor — when I didn't even know I was wearing armor. Or maybe I'm missing the point.

If everything is subjective, can't I make up my own rules and say that I am, in fact, so "self-aware" that I don't have to act like I am? I'm not going to ridicule or be flippant about someone's personal philosophy, but I kind of cringe inside at the prospect that there are really only two types of people in the world: those who are aware, and those who aren't (granted, I guess there is a spectrum?). Plus, I hate labels. I don't want myself pigeon-holed with any labels, even though they can be convenient. I don't want to be called "self-aware" even if I fit the bill because what happens when I make mistakes or do something supposedly out of character? Does it throw the philosophy into a tailspin?

I think self-awareness goes into the same category as love. In the end, each quality should be self-evident. If someone loves another, they don't need to talk about it constantly to remind themselves that it's so (though there's nothing wrong with reassurance). The actions will prove it. Similarly, if people are self-aware, do they need to say so? What difference does it make unless there's a social club or a secret hand shake associated with awareness? After all, they're just words.

I also don't want to have to prove myself, or feel that I must. Judge me if you want, but don't rub it in my face. It's unusual because I normally would want to know what people think of me, but in this case it feels more like an "I told you so" than a "for your information" type of judgement.

Just give me a chance to be someone and grow without having to worry about being the "right" person at every moment. I put enough pressure on myself as far as who I want to be, eventually. It's a lot for a boy to take, at times.

On another note, I was thinking that 21 must've been some kind of bellwether year for me. I can't quantify any amount that I might've "changed" except that I noticed that I got my first tattoo only a little over a year ago. I realize that physical changes are a small piece of the puzzle, but maybe there's some significance to the past year's changes. I don't know.

Finally, to end on a cliche:
You're not going to hear me call myself self-aware. I'm just some guy who thinks a lot about people and myself. Ultimately, I want to help people, and I think I need to know myself well in order to help others. If that places me into some category or another or improves my score on the spectrum, great. But I don't particularly want to know where I am on that scale.