Runcible Blog

According to the awful Valley Patriot, ETPC newsroom employees voted 85-52 against the initiative to unionize. During the election on thursday and friday, the North Andover building practically shut down -- or at least, everybody kept silent. Managers weren't allowed to wander the halls, and any doors leading up to the Ed-Center had to be closed AT ALL TIMES. We even had to put paper on our window to keep any potential voters from seeing management figures lurking inside. The "federal agents" overseeing the election had orders to shoot to kill if they caught anyone loitering near the polling place. Helicopters swarmed overhead as Alabama National Guardsmen (requested by CNHI) held sniper positions on the roof.

The federal presence thwarted most efforts to disrupt the election. A successful suicide fart bombing by local fixture Joe Boren did not deter the purple-fingered voters but inadvertently improved Lawrence's air quality. Veterans Memorial Stadium's resident Elvis impersonator attempted to distract reporters and photographers with hypnotic gyrations to an imagined soundtrack but failed to capture their attention long enough to affect the election's outcome.

Nobody knows what will happen now that the union has been squashed. (Well, somebody probably knows, but I don't) All I know is that the election was democracy in its purest form -- intense corporate lobbying and propaganda, appeals to the basest emotions, rampant apathy, and exploitation of fear and preconceived notions. I wish every newsroom employee luck, regardless of how they voted. I'm curious to watch the fallout from the election and wonder when we'll find out who really "won" this contest between workers' self interests and the company's desire to maintain control.