"i just want back in your head"
In some ways, the breakup with lee lee felt easier. In our rational moments, we knew that we couldn't be together because we drove each other crazy. Things hadn't been going well, and neither one of us had been supportive of the other. Although I had been in denial because I always thought we could work out our problems, at least part of me knew that holding onto something destructive was taking a toll on both of us.
After we separated, there were times when we weren't rational, but I think it was clear that lee lee didn't want me. She started seeing other people soon after, which she told me about during the times when we irrationally saw each other. In contrast, the few silly dates that I went on didn't amount to much except comedic fodder and disappointment. All the while, the situation with lee lee was confusing and crazy. Even if I sometimes thought things would change and that we'd patch things up, the reality hadn't changed -- we were the same stubborn people.
Despite being more guarded and cynical today, it's harder for me to get through the past month's events. If only Katie had been cold to me or told me she found someone else (or someone from her past...). But to choose to be alone? I've never had the strange misfortune of too many people falling in love with me or the feeling of needing a large amount of time for myself. I'm alone for the vast majority of my time -- at work, at play, into the world, or stuck indoors. The times when I don't feel alone are the experiences of mutual intimacy with someone who cares enough to know me and is willing to share the equal respect and honesty that I think everybody deserves. It's tough for me to appreciate wanting to be alone.
Katie has said that she wants me in her life, somehow. Maybe she's changed her mind since then, or maybe not. But either way, if I think of the different logical possibilities, none of the available ones look good right now. That's the worst -- to be left with no good options. I find myself walking in the woods where the snow has covered every trail, and none of them leads anywhere.... something like that.
Well, I'm at risk of missing dinner again if I don't get up and forage. I'll try to keep these thoughts stuffed up in my head with the rest of the mess.