Runcible Blog

What just happened?

I've just been emotionally punched in the kidneys, again. Why do I feel like I've been double-teamed?

This situation is weirder than weird.

Needless to say, I don't write about everything that happens in my life. In fact, I probably just scratch the surface here at times. Anybody who reads this shlock might think they know me well, but they probably don't. That's the problem with blogs -- they can be confessional and honest, but you never know how much the author is choosing to reveal. Although the whole story might be more fascinating, a life time of "what would the neighbors think?" reactions makes even me a little reticent.

While there are some things that I don't mention because I don't want to remember them, there are also plenty of experiences that I do want to remember but self-censor for unknown reasons.

Tonight, for instance, I had a smashing time with lee lee: getting burritos, browsing old books, and watching Kinsey (so so). And yet I'm reluctant to mention anything because I've received melodramatic email "warning" me of impending doom should I seek the friendship of such a troubled soul. I don't need to hear that. Let me figure that out for myself. Let me feel pain, if it comes to that.

There are many, many things I wouldn't have done if I were afraid of a little suffering, physical or otherwise. If life is suffering (and I believe it is [not in the "woe is me" sense, but the zen sense]), then it's foolish to try to shelter another from a potential suffering that they willingly accept. Overly-protective (at least they believe they're being protective) people find it difficult to let others make their own decisions. It's a character flaw, not a nurturing trait.

I'm going to plunge head-first into situations, informed from past experience though unfettered by needless external restraints. And if I fail, so what. At least I'm trying, which is more than a lot of people can say.

And besides, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Projection: The attribution of one's own attitudes, feelings, or desires to someone or something as a naive or unconscious defense against anxiety or guilt.

   Days like this
   I don't know what
   To do with myself
   All day and all night
   I wander the halls
   Along the walls and
   Under my breath
   I say to myself
   I need fuel
   To take flight

--Fiona Apple (Yeah, that's right -- Fiona Apple. But I'm not a sullen girl....)

I'm going to test a hypothesis tonight: eating fruit before bed causes nightmares. I just ate a bowl of grapes. Now it's time to battle various monsters and nuns in my dreams.

I'll report my results tomorrow.

results

no nightmares, unfortunately. just unmemorable, mundane dreams about who knows what. next time: more grapes.