Runcible Blog

a few thoughts

Insecurities are stupid. It doesn't mean that you are stupid, but recognizing there's a problem is the first step. Addictions are stupid too, but you don't hear people saying "don't criticize my addiction! it's MY addiction!" This is directed at someone in particular, but it makes sense for everyone. Don't justify insecurity by saying that everyone has them, and don't look for people to tell you those things. It can seem very comfortable to have a circle of friends with the same problems -- that way you can all tell each other that having those problems is normal and OK. But it isn't OK. What it amounts to is digging your own hole. Or, at the very best it is providing furniture in your hole to make living under the dirt easier. And hey, if you've got a bunch of friends living in that hole with you, all the better, right? No! Climb out while you still can! Yes, humans are social beings, but we are also very much lonely beings. We try at all costs to distract ourselves from that deep loneliness, but it is always there. Embracing loneliness seems like a crazy thing to do, but it's really not crazy and not abnormal or pessimistic. Every moment of our lives, we are alone with our thoughts. No one else can hear them. We are trapped inside our own heads. But that's not bad at all. It's just the way we are. We aren't telepathic. Just realize it. It may be that we strive to have a connection with others, but first we have to connect with ourselves. If you are trying to connect with others in order to distract yourself or postpone connecting with yourself, then stop right there. But a real connection is not yielding to someone else. Casting aside your own personality for the sake of approval does not create a connection. And why do we want to "connect" with others? Is it to feel safe? It could be. It shouldn't be selfish in any way, visible or not. It should be an act of complete selflessness, but that's hard. The way to connect with others is to know yourself and to open yourself completely. And if the other person is completely open also, then you've got quite a connection. But if you keep even a crumb of yourself from the other person, the connection will be tenuous at best. Of course, opening yourself completely to others entails being vulnerable. And not many people want to be that vulnerable. But we must. There's no hiding from pain, but human beings have a certain propensity for distracting themselves in so many ways from the ongoing suffering. Those who feel they must keep busy at all times are firmly ensconced in this cycle of suffering. They are so immersed that they can't ever stop being busy or else all that suffering would catch up to them, and they wouldn't know what to do with it. You could say this is all human nature, so why bother fighting? Well, it is human nature, but then again it isn't. We don't really know what human nature is, so we sort of stumble along with our suffering-nature. "What is human nature?" is an essential question. True human nature is something different than how we act, but then again it isn't different at all. It's different and the same at once. Do you see? It's right there in front of us. Let's open our eyes and see. Now it's time for me to close my eyes and sleep. Remember, it isn't true teaching unless it sounds like it's forcing something on you...The truth isn't easy. I'm far from understanding who I am and what human nature is and the way out of samsara, but for the sake of the world, let's give it a shot.