Runcible Blog

feeling like nothing

Well it was a different weekend, to say the least. sleepless, fascinating, new, and so on. Yet somehow I feel...detached. I feel like I'm just observing my life from a sanitary distance. It's as if I apply equal effort everywhere with no concern for consequences. In a half awake state a few nights ago I blabbed about how I just "try my best" at whatever it is I'm doing. I think that's true (for the things I choose to try), but now I wonder if trying is all there is. What purpose does it serve? What's the meaning of trying for the sake of trying? I believe that one should "burn oneself" in one's current activity -- "participate", "be present", "be aware" to the fullest extent possible. That's absolutely worth aiming for.

What effect does that burning have on others? Can somebody else get hurt from being too close? Maybe. That's a sad thought because if the intent is to make everybody else happy, then surely there is more to it than just burning? What happens when the fire goes out? All that's left is ashes. (and disappointment? for whom?)

I'm being so obtuse right not that I might as well stop.

I'm just confused that the one time when I should feel something, I oddly feel empty. I'm grasping for meaning and hoping not to ruin anyone else in the process.