Runcible Blog

lousy way to start the day


What I woke up to today:

From: lee lee
To: Dave
Date: August 13, 2006 1:48:50 AM EDT
Subject: what to say...?

i'm not sure how to begin this...other than saying i am a louse for typing this all out. my only excuse is that anytime i try to talk to you in person, it either comes out too passionate (thus, you think i'm "crazy"), or not passionate enough (thus, nothing changes).

the first thing i want to be clear about is that i believe i love you and i believe you love me. i don't think anything either of us say or do is going to change that. for better or worse, we are in love and because of that our vision is clouded.

having said that, i can go on to say: i sincerely think neither of us is happy, fulfilled, growing (enough) or living our true life. we constantly fight, whether in silence or with words. and i am constantly angry--at you, at the situation, at myself for getting into the situation and letting the situation control my life... i believe that people come into my life for a reason, but i don't think that whatever good you have brought me means i have to stay with you forever.

i know you don't think i've "tried" to make this work. but, goddamnit, dave--i have. i swear to god. i really, really, really wanted for this to work, for so many reasons. but it isn't.

all i ever promised you is honesty. i almost wish i hadn't promised that. it's painful to have to keep pointing out to someone else that they are unhappy. but i can't stick to my promise and not say to you: Go Live with someone else who is right for you. come one, there is suffering that brings knowledge. and then there is just stubborness that leads to nothing but pain.

i think you are a potentially-good person who has a lot to give to the right person. but i am not in that place of waiting around for your to become who you are. i am ready to settle down (albeit in my own not-so-stable way) and have a baby and maybe even move out of the city to the "burbs" someday. being with you has made me realize how much i just want to find someone to be with that really truly loves me for who i am. i'm not looking for perfection, just something that works.

we have had some good times. if you counted the actual hours, maybe we've had mostly good times... it can get worse from here, or it can get better. the proverbial ball is in your court. if you feel like handling this like an adult, i am begging you one last time to start looking for another place to live. i implore you to at least join me in making this relationship a mostly-positive experience for both of us and end it maturely and graciously. i have already left one man and one house--lord knows i will do it again to save myself from destruction--but i know if you sit down and make a list of the reasons why, you will agree that you should be the one to go elsewhere.

most likely, you will take this email as the final sign that i am utterly confused. i'm actually not, dave. i want numerous things, and you are sometimes one of them. however, i'm searching for growth and maturity and i believe i will flourish in a supportive, enabling environment.

I don't feel ok right now, and I don't care who knows about my business. I never once left this woman and didn't intend on leaving her. Now, I'm supposed to be the one to leave because I have no other choice. My partner, my love, lee lee, doesn't want to live with me anymore, and that's that.

It's kind of starting to hit me.

But I've got rented movies to watch in this apartment, alone.