I've just been looking over some old entries, and I just noticed how angsty I can be. Well, I didn't just notice that.
I don't think I could've imagined keeping a blog for 4 years, but there it is. Although there are probably some entries I wouldn't want to find in the wayback machine, it's not as if I'm going to run for president some day...
The point of tonight's emo-post is to recognize that I think my eagerness for following new possibilities may have completely curbed a new friendship (or more) before it had a chance to develop. Despite my best effort to squelch my enthusiasm, the good advice of a fortune I got the other day: "patience is the key to joy", and a reminder to myself to avoid messing things up, I've smothered my new friend in less than a week. It's a shame, and I'm either a fool or a hopeless romantic.
I also ask myself why I'm attracted to people who can't be or aren't emotionally available. Why does my interest build as her interest wanes? It's crazy.
I don't know what will happen, or if my smothering hasn't been as fatal as I imagine. But I'm in a spot where I'm not sure what exactly went wrong, or how to avoid it in the future. I need to deconstruct.