Runcible Blog

The Needle And The Damage Done

 Of the many ill-advised things I've done, perhaps the most risky has been my "home healthcare" tendencies.  You see, I avoid doctors and medicine as much as I possibly can, and so far, I'm still alive.  It's not that I'm particularly afraid of doctors but rather that it always seems like a big production to see one.  I'd rather live in pain or figure out how to cure myself than use the telephone to make an appointment with someone who knows much more about my body than I ever could.

The first incidence I can remember was my lengthy battle with a plantar wart that I neglected to treat early on and turned into a very nasty growth on the bottom of my foot.  I think I tried the liquid wart removal solutions, but by the time I got around to caring about it, it had grown too much for those measly drug store concoctions.  When it became painful to walk, I finally turned to drastic measures:  a swiss army knife and pliers.  One night, I gouged and pulled on that sucker, ripping the patch of skin right off.  After that, my foot was cured!  That plantar wart never came back.  And it only took a little temporary discomfort.

Last year, I had another foot problem.  I awoke one night with a terrible pain in my toe, as if it had suddenly broken (since I've never had a broken bone, I don't really know what that feels like).  I didn't see anything wrong, but after a few days (or was it weeks?) of pain in my toe, the toenail fungus started to become more visible.  I was relieved that it was merely fungus and not something more mysterious and dangerous, but I didn't do much to treat it.  When the fungus spread to an adjacent toe, I started to apply some lame anti-fungal liquid thing (who knows, maybe it was the same stuff I used on the plantar wart?).  I don't think that stuff made any difference, but eventually my toenail fell off.  After a while, I think the organism ran its course and gave up on my toe.  The toenail grew back, and the adjacent toe fended off the fungal invasion.  And I never had to visit a doctor.

Well, here's where it gets interesting (or disturbing...).  For the past few years -- I can't remember when it first appeared -- I've had a strange little lump in a private place.  For a while, I was worried about what this thing was, enough that I did see some kind of doctor about it.  All she was able to tell me was that it wasn't an STD and was a "skin blemish" or something like that.  I was disappointed that she couldn't do anything about it (and that I waited for the doctor for nothing), but at least I wasn't as worried about it.  Of course, I still had no idea what it could be.  It was like a tiny bean just under the surface of the skin.  But it didn't move or anything.

Fast forward a couple years to a few days ago, when I noticed that it started to get a little inflamed and puffy.  Uh-oh.  What could've brought this on?  I don't know.  But it's been looking more like a blister and feeling irritating.  To make a long story slightly less long, a little while ago I rummaged through my things and found a sewing needle.  I poked a hole in the faux-blister, bleeding a little bit and excreting a strange little bean.  WTF?  I examined it on the end of the needle, but it's not like anything I recognize.  And unfortunately, I think there's still another "bean" under the skin.  So, I've got a gash on a private part, and apparently I have a mysterious bean factory under my skin, waiting to go into production unless I put the kibosh on it.

I think this time I'll figure out how to see a doctor.  Unless anybody has some hair-brained suggestions for me to try....


"i just want back in your head"

In some ways, the breakup with lee lee felt easier.  In our rational moments, we knew that we couldn't be together because we drove each other crazy.  Things hadn't been going well, and neither one of us had been supportive of the other.  Although I had been in denial because I always thought we could work out our problems, at least part of me knew that holding onto something destructive was taking a toll on both of us.  

After we separated, there were times when we weren't rational, but I think it was clear that lee lee didn't want me.  She started seeing other people soon after, which she told me about during the times when we irrationally saw each other.  In contrast, the few silly dates that I went on didn't amount to much except comedic fodder and disappointment.  All the while, the situation with lee lee was confusing and crazy.  Even if I sometimes thought things would change and that we'd patch things up, the reality hadn't changed -- we were the same stubborn people.


Despite being more guarded and cynical today, it's harder for me to get through the past month's events.  If only Katie had been cold to me or told me she found someone else (or someone from her past...).  But to choose to be alone?  I've never had the strange misfortune of too many people falling in love with me or the feeling of needing a large amount of time for myself.  I'm alone for the vast majority of my time -- at work, at play, into the world, or stuck indoors.  The times when I don't feel alone are the experiences of mutual intimacy with someone who cares enough to know me and is willing to share the equal respect and honesty that I think everybody deserves.  It's tough for me to appreciate wanting to be alone.

Katie has said that she wants me in her life, somehow.  Maybe she's changed her mind since then, or maybe not.  But either way, if I think of the different logical possibilities, none of the available ones look good right now.  That's the worst -- to be left with no good options.  I find myself walking in the woods where the snow has covered every trail, and none of them leads anywhere.... something like that.


Well, I'm at risk of missing dinner again if I don't get up and forage.  I'll try to keep these thoughts stuffed up in my head with the rest of the mess.








This is the most divisive speech I've heard in a long time.  No wonder I usually tune this crap out.




the greatest weakness

"The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak."

Jacques BeNigne Bossuet